Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Ungroupie me

Mediocre March 2
The topsy turvy world of American Idol got just a little dizzier March 2 when the boyz took center stage. A quick switch flip-flopping the performance nights made for nerves and excuses. Poor, poor shy boy Alex Lambert confessed he often produces pukage prior to performing, but somehow he managed to hold onto his dinner for this round. (maybe his mom cooked?) Crystal (I-wonder-if-she-has-health-insurance) Bowersox checked into a hospital where she was checked by doctors who then checked in with Idol VIPs, and said No go on the show. Then, of course, they all got checks. Not the contestants who work the endless hours away from their loved ones, of course.

So, let’s review the competition for pity votes. Add 1 for Alex-he didn’t make last week’s crowded list. Mama Bowersox pushed for frontrunner status last week. Depending on tomorrow night’s performance, that trendy hospital gown could be her golden egg. Just kidding. Tomorrow’s performance doesn’t matter all that much. Even if you imagine American Idol is all about who can sing, we already know Bowersox has the gift. Think images of mama rocking skinny toddler as she softly sings an acapella lullaby-unless you count the occasional moans from pain as accompaniment. Start dialing.

Back to the big time stage for the competition with the men. Whoops. Except separating the men from the boys, the wheat from the chafe, the rind from the melon, the soap scum from the tub—pick your favorite cliché here, was not much of a challenge. Clarity can be your friend. Not that all the guys are tone deaf, only 3-4 sucked that bad, but the group just ain’t that strong.

Let’s break it down (not MC Hammer break it down, but break it down as in take a closer look). In my totally unqualified opinion there was not much middle ground. Their chops were either very very good or they were horrid (yes, like the nursery rhyme).

• 3 big improvements from last week (2 in the super-sized improvement range)

• 1 stayed about the same but was already at the top so let’s use the cliché here of no harm no foul (maybe that’s why Alex didn’t spit up-the chicken was cooked)

• 1 slight puzzler-some parts unique, some parts uniquely bad. Things that make you go Hmmm (like MC Hammer this time)

• 4 guys tanked. The tanking action wasn’t even in the category of “I see potential” it was more like “I see dead people” I see faux singers with dead careers people.

• And the 1 straggler who was just there. Not impressive. Kinda annoying due to attire and accessories. Not annoying enough to get the boot but certainly not good enough to get a vote. He is just there and gets to hang around in the shadows.

Let’s match ‘em up and see who’s with me! Fill in the blank with the correct answers.

_____ and_____ gave up super-sized upgrades from last week and _____ got even better and he was already berry berry good to me (he could play baseball but he need to give up drooping & get pants that fit). If you answered Michael Lynche and Alex Lambert, then Lee DeWyze, give yourself a cookie. Your score is perfect so far. BTW the first two names do not have to be in that exact order.

Lynche impressed the audience and judges appearing as a seasoned singer with great stage presence and poise. Evidently he visited Miracle Max. I gave him up for mostly dead, but we all know there’s a big difference between dead and mostly dead. He still doesn’t have a great voice, but we’re talkin’ total package here. Total package plus 1 pity vote. Remember he’s the one who went to Hollywood while his wife did the whole giving birth to their first child thing. He’s a keeper. But, this is as good as he gets (write down my words here, I called it).

In contrast, Lambert, scratch that. I gotta go with Alex here due to the same last name as my BFF baby cakes Adam Lambert (hot stuff on Leno tonight). The sex appeal is a bit flat for the new Lambert. But, his voice was hot and the song worked for him. Recap: no deer in the headlights eyes, no pukage, no dashing around lost on stage for Alex. He sat on a stool and held a guitar in his hands resolving the problem of what to do with his hands and feet. He definitely knew what to do with his voice. Yahoo for you Alex! Top o’ the heap and throw in that pity ballot. Solid ground for the boy with potential but no experience. For a gullible second there I thought, Hey that’s what the show is all about, then I sobered up and figured out he’s not as polished as the others who were plucked from the street of regular Joe’s too-the street with the pro giving vocal lessons on the corner as opposed to pros on other street corners. He’s bonified.
DeWyze’s gravelly voice was a perfect fit for that great I’m-not-a-monogamous-creature anthem, Lips of an Angel. He tried to man up without his teddy bear (aka as his guitar) and replace it with a cold microphone stand. That part didn’t work out so much. He can stand in one place and sing into the mic deplete of dance moves. That’s all good. Tugging up on his drawers, however-not once but twice, is not all good. Just when I thought “No he didn’t” Yup. He did it again. Plus he’s handicapped due to NO pity points. A rarity and we can double or triple check. But I don’t think he has a sob story penned at this time.

Casey James still oozed sex appeal and gravelly notes onto the stage. Not as good as last week. But better than most of the other guys this week. He looked good, sound good and was kinda believable as a bad boy with his baby blue electric guitar. It complemented his blue eyes yet didn’t take attention away his rock solid performance and rock solid exterior mass. His pity vote status is pending further review.

The remaining contender remains high on the pity vote tally due to daddy daycare is Andrew Garcia. Probably tried a bit too hard to on a Jim Morrison song, but hey he doesn’t need to break a sweat yet.

The remaining vocals sounded like they’d benefit from karaoke class and really aren’t worth the strain on my digits to write about them.

Todrick Hall? NO, NO! It’s not there. Go home.

John Park? Ditto.

Tim Urban? Double ditto.

Aaron Kelly? Go back to your high school classes, please. Actually, AI could save a couple $$ on food and shelter costs and send the four of ‘em off with one farewell.

Jermaine Sellers? Straggler. Mediocre but kind of just lurking around. On second thought, nope. Give him up. Trade him for two Zhu Zhu pets and a Funhouse and wave bu-bye.

The judges? All four seemed less than entertaining tonight with lots of redundant comments they kept saying over and over (too cute). Really guys. Buy a thesaurus or consult with a dictionary. Find some new words. Wrong song, pitchy, and I’m a fan already sound like a telemarketer recording. I’d vote off the judges this week and start with the blank slate theory with five men and a bedpan (just in case the heaves visit again). Too predictable and unoriginal. Ellen wasn’t close to funny; the banana joke was pre-school level. Kara kept turning to Simon like an obedient domestic pet. Simon’s new love interest has obviously tamed the nasty beast within. Now he is a kinder gentler Simon and Randy . . . well, he’s still just Randy. Dawg.

Tomorrow night the girls close in for the kill. And did I say it’s stupid to pick girl/boy, girl/boy? Boot the lowest vote getters regardless of genitalia. That’s so 70’s mentality politically incorrect malarkey.