update to these are the (crazy days) of our lives
The historical TP heist of 2020
The great toilet paper shortage of 2020 has caused more than a few selfish people to ramp into full-TP hoarder mode. If you (mistakenly) believed hysterical hoarders would take a nap after a few days, you underestimated their hysteria or their love of toilet paper.
Most store shelves won't be lined with Charmin for days or weeks after the shock of Stay at Home Without Toilet Paper or Shelter in Place Without Toilet goes away. If you think you will need TP before then, prepare for a battle. It calls for strategy, creativity and stalking skills to capture a roll.
Most store shelves won't be lined with Charmin for days or weeks after the shock of Stay at Home Without Toilet Paper or Shelter in Place Without Toilet goes away. If you think you will need TP before then, prepare for a battle. It calls for strategy, creativity and stalking skills to capture a roll.
Back in the day of chamber pots and outhouses - way before the convenience of TP, how did we survive without it?
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| wiping material circa 1900 |
When my Great Grandpa Bill frequented the outhouse, he took care of his business with corncobs or pages from an old Montgomery Ward catalog. He probably whistled while he worked on moving his bowels before he ripped a page or 2 from the catalog.
Wet leaves and dried corn husks were other popular wipage materials.
Wet leaves and dried corn husks were other popular wipage materials.
We can keep our unders clean without resorting to such primitive means.
These days optimal paper products like tissues and paper towels are also highly prized possessions. Very rare. Unless you're part of an organized neighborhood gang trained on stalking shipments to local stores, don't waste your time.
Think about it. TP is just another version of paper. It's a paper product! If you find yourself in a compromising position you could crinkle up some tissue paper. Rummage through your Christmas gift wrap tub. Pull out all the tissue for gifts and use it where it is needed the most. (no recycling recommended).
The the TP replacement word on the street is filters. Coffee filters. Pros: A variety of brands allows you to choose your preferred size and level of softness. More likely to be in stock. Cons: It's a one-time use only. Spendy. Not flushable.
These days optimal paper products like tissues and paper towels are also highly prized possessions. Very rare. Unless you're part of an organized neighborhood gang trained on stalking shipments to local stores, don't waste your time.
Think about it. TP is just another version of paper. It's a paper product! If you find yourself in a compromising position you could crinkle up some tissue paper. Rummage through your Christmas gift wrap tub. Pull out all the tissue for gifts and use it where it is needed the most. (no recycling recommended).
The the TP replacement word on the street is filters. Coffee filters. Pros: A variety of brands allows you to choose your preferred size and level of softness. More likely to be in stock. Cons: It's a one-time use only. Spendy. Not flushable.
Crepe paper streamers could be another great option. Streamers are convenient; they're already rolled up and ready for the spindle. You could color coordinate with your linens or use seasonal themes.
Newspapers are an obvious TP substitute. Newspapers are efficient as you are getting multiple uses from one product.
WARNING! Make sure you stack bathroom newspapers far away from current publications. The 'stay at home' rule + no TP causes enough bathroom stress due to messy arguments about taking the bathroom wastebasket to the dumpster. No need to anger family by wiping with the front page before they read the headlines.
WARNING! Make sure you stack bathroom newspapers far away from current publications. The 'stay at home' rule + no TP causes enough bathroom stress due to messy arguments about taking the bathroom wastebasket to the dumpster. No need to anger family by wiping with the front page before they read the headlines.
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Feb. 2, 2020. I scored a generic double roll
4-pack! My lucky day, but a sad day. That was
my last TP sighting.
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If dropping poopy paper into your trash can isn’t your thing, try a wet washcloth. Personally I’d rather avoid excrement in my washing machine and throw that crap into the circular file. But, it's all about preference.
Unless you can score cheap towels sold in bulk, it might be cheaper to go straight to black market hoarders. Yikes. A high price to pay for such a no-frills purchase. Sanitary napkins, disposable diapers, and other luxury items are not cost efficient, either. Don't go rogue and do what babies do.
If you are interested in saving money, this efficient approach might be right up your alley. You'll need to make a one-time purchase of a long shower hose attachment. When you're done with your big event (while you're still seated) try to manage a spray or two aimed at your nether regions. Drip dry for a few seconds. Then take a giant step into your shower to hose down. Viola. No TP. No problem. No social distancing required.
There are many other practical ways to live a fulfilling life without toilet paper. If you can plan ahead for bowel movements, go to a grocery store and use their terlit. If the manager says the bathrooms are closed, scrunch up your face and grunt a few times. When he gets your 'drift' he might reconsider. If not, no need to feel bad about the mess you left.
After you've traveled to a dozen stores in the greater metro region in search of the TP and still come up empty handed, do not despair.
If you have nightmares of never having another chance to squeeze the Charmin, be grateful for your half roll of single ply.
When you're down to your very last square avoid spicy greasy foods. Search for leafy bushes.
Unlike the lifetime baggage professional TP hoarders must bear, the issue w the tissue won’t last forever.
Tip to investors: Bidets are the latest trend in home renovations.rend in home renovation.
Another tip: Might as well laugh about it. Crying means wasting of tissue
