Kardashians, Mirrors, Fakers . . . Tick Me Off

Jim Bessey, the founder of  SoWriters Writing Group, suggested members respond to a Monday Madness prompt:  What's ticking you off?  In his defense, maybe he didn't know the time and space it could take to keep track of what's ticking me off. But, here's a teeny weeny start.

Top Ten Things Ticking Me Off Today

1. HOUSEWORK should be ignored until you run out of clean unders. But, this theory has its flaws. Like waking up early Monday morning, opening dishwasher, fetching favorite cup, placing it on coffeemaker to see slimy spaghetti sauce floaties bobbing in my coffee. Crap. Who didn't start the dishwasher? Then, taking a shower, reaching for a clean towel  . . . Whoops!  Someone didn't do laundry. Does this mean I am supposed to help my husband more with housework? I take time to write 'dust me' on the end table heading back to the office where I still have a straight path to my desk.
   
2. WRITERS with overblown egos who need constant attention by forcing their imaginary, self-professed, life-changing stories and/or mediocre accomplishments on to a mostly give-a-crap audience.  Reminds me of potty training.  Look! I went pee-pee in my potty!  Well, good for you.   That is something no one has ever done!   Oh, junior, you're unbelievably gifted!       Live in a fairy tale or face reality. Your choice. Here's the deal:  Back in the day I learned the hard way you can't please everyone. Stop trying. My philosophy pretty much works. Your friends and relatives accept you and love you, the rest of the world? F'em if they can't take a joke.  For real. As far as writing is concerned, any writer can improve, every writer who wants to improve should consider suggestions and feedback, writers who cannot handle constructive criticism need to grow up or end up selling their books to a following of relatives. No, I am no better than any other writer-just older and wiserJ.  Don't be the high school kid who takes it personally when he gets his essay back.  OMG Ms. E, all these red marks might as well be my blood dripping on the paper!  No, criticism is not personal.  So don't take it personally. Or you could seem a bit insecure, immature and such.

   

   Constantly in the spotlight, it is a puzzle why these people
   are newsworthy. Courtney, Kim Kardashian, Kris Jenner. (Getty Images) 
   
   

3. KARDASHIANS. Especially Kim and the one who used to be married to that basketball guy. No, not Kim's former husband basketball guy. That other basketball guy.  And Kayne West fits into my #8 things that tick me off.
4. CLUELESS PARENTS who drag their little kids to Walmart at midnight then scream and threaten to hit them for fussing and crying.  Maybe there should be an IQ or common sense test in order to reproduce.
5. NFL, PRESS, FANS, RAY RICE.  Really? We all knew the details. He knocks out girl, drags her from elevator. Gets hands slapped.  Meh. THEN the video surfaces and he finally gets punished. Why is it NOW and not THEN people got so outraged? Did they think he accidentally bumped into her head with his fist? Use your imagination. Put the words together with a mental image. Viola! That's what domestic abuse looks like.  Stop the ignorance.  Once you become an adult, you shouldn't need pictures to understand words.
6. OPEN CARRY. I'm all for gun rights for hunters and protecting your home BUT the 'right' to carry rifles into grocery stores or playgrounds is too crazy. Reading about protests from open carry supporters who need to show people they have big guns, I'm thinkin' they should leave Kroger's and head for a city like Oakland, CA. Stroll around in the flat lands. See how quickly some of these jokers change their minds about open carry 'rights' when it applies to large groups of minorities in an urban setting instead of hillbillies in the middle of nowhere.

   

   Obviously, these Open Carry Texas members hope the
   big guns make up for their shortcomings.:-) They need
   these weapons at Chipotle because you never know when
   a rabid rhino could storm into the restaurant. (photo courtesy of
   Open Carry Texas)

    
7. POLITICIANS lurking in every corner is the price to pay for living in Iowa, some politician's mug continuously shows up on local TV ads, in the news, on the street, in my nightmares (big-headed politicians act like flying monkeys in Wizard of Oz swooping in to take a PBJ sammich out of a toddler's hands, while his sister throws more coal into the old stove).  STOP!  How about we quit cowering to wealthy bullies? Maybe ban political ads? Fact checks for each candidate? Electric shocks? Lie detector tests?  Nose grows longer every time they lie?
8. AN ASS IS AN ASS IS AN ASS. Wasn't it Will Shakespeare who once wrote 'A rose by any other name would smell as sweet'? Or Gertrude Stein who penned, 'A rose is a rose is a rose.'  Still true.  It does not matter if someone is a movie star, a famous athlete, a well-known politician, a beauty queen or a cashier. A profession is not an excuse to be a jerk.  Money doesn't make you better than anyone else.  A rotten disposition, a big ego, ugliness-none of it makes it okay to mistreat, bully, tease, put down, or be a jerk to any person minding her own business.  Bullies often pick on smaller, vulnerable, innocent victims because they lack the kahunas to take on anyone else.  Meanies.  Jerks.  Bullies.  The lowlife who dumped urine on the autistic kid.  Ray Rice.  Bill O'Reilly.  Mark Driscoll. Call them what you wish but the fact remains.  An ass is an ass.
9. MIRRORS.  It's difficult to use the restroom and wash hands without seeing that strange reflection in the mirror.  Who the hell is that?  Strange that I think I am younger, skinnier and better looking than the gray hair and saggy eyes staring back at me.  Of course, that's when I might seek the comfort of eating something fattening.
10. FAKERS. Not the faking orgasm kind (probably N/A) but the fakers like fake Christians who promote hate, can't get their hands on enough money, judge others instead of looking in 
11. 
    the mirror, consider women second class citizens, and mostly ignore the words of Jesus-yes, even those who talk to God through seashells on the beach or on their iPhones or Rick Perry and his direct hot line to God.   Especially those.  It's like the old cliché .  It's easy to talk the talk but when it is time to walk the walk, fakers run and hide in the closet. (pun intended) Thus, the word 'hypocrite' was invented.

Blame Jim. Or Blame Obama. Seems to be the thing to do for every problem in the universe.

. . . 11. People who complain just because I signed them up for FB groups and stuff.

Death of Robin Williams Opportunity to Focus on Mental Illness

Hearing about the death of a famous person like Robin Williams brings up an issue many people would rather dismiss.  Mental illness. When a wealthy, talented man with access to the best doctors and the best care is so depressed he hangs himself, imagine the plight of those who have limited or no access to mental health services.
Think about it. A man with connections, fame and a long list of family, friends, and fans could not escape the darkness of depression. While some laugh about people seeing a "shrink" and doubters claim mental illnesses don't exist, it causes suffering as authentic as physical injuries.  

Something good is slowly happening as a result of Williams' tragic experience. More advocates are exposing the urgent need to improve services for mental illness.  Those in charge of providing funds for the mentally ill living in poverty need to look at the human suffering caused by government decisions to reduce the budget and cut services.  Politicians need to start doing what's right to relieve the suffering of with mental illnesses instead of doing what's cheapest. Ignoring unnecessary suffering is inhumane. 

.  

                                                                        Overlooking Commitment to Mentally Ill Veterans

As a comedienne Robin Williams entertained the American troops on USO tours in 13 different countries.  As a philanthropist his contributions aided soldiers needing help with the hidden wounds of war.  Williams said he was humbled by the troops and what they experienced. 

Since his death the US Army has released footage of Williams entertaining the troops.  Lt. Col. Arnold Strong said Williams connected with the troops through his comedy but many identify with his struggle with depression.

He said many veterans understand what Williams experienced. "Depression doesn't discriminate. It targets the best in us and it also brings out the worst in us," Strong said.

William's connection with veterans suffering from mental health issues, combined with his own personal struggle, should draw attention to veterans living with mental illness. The government trains soldier and sends them off to war promising benefits for their family and support when they return. As too many veteran are discovering, politicians would rather play political games and stay loyal to their party while turning their backs on soldiers deserving to be honored. Instead, they are ignored. Congress keeps veteran's bills from passing just to one up a political adversary. It's a sad statement about the greatest country in the world. We can afford to spend $3 trillion in wars but there is nothing left to take care of those sacrificing the most.
More than 20 veterans commit suicide each day. The majority either cannot get help or the help is ineffective. Instead of treating the men and women who risk their lives for us and giving them promised benefits, politicians play their games while vets wait for months for an appointment.

Here's one example: A soldier returned from combat in Afghanistan struggling to fit in. He suffered with nightmares and post traumatic stress. A buddy finally convinced him to go to the Veteran's Administration to get help. He walked into the building, went to psychiatry and explained his situation.  He walked out of the building, went to a nearby park and shot himself.  His appointment was in 3 weeks. Politicians gladly snatch up young people - especially those without jobs or living in poverty, to ship them over and do our dirty work. Then, after seeing and doing unimaginable traumatic deeds, he comes home, but the VA is done with him. He's no longer useful.
M                                                                                   any veterans return from war broken in need of help.  Yet, soldiers willing to die for our country return home to find the government was more interested in sending them to war than helping them deal with the consequences of war.  Left untreated, many veterans struggling with depression, post-traumatic stress and related illnesses struggled with broken relationships, unemployment, alcoholism or drug use, discovered government services were inadequate or nonexistent.  

Our country is shamefully negligent in serving the mentally ill.  The National Coalition for the Homeless estimates over half of all homeless people suffer from mental illness.  About the same percentage of the homeless are veterans.  The US Department of Veteran's Affairs found that homeless veterans fought in several different wars but 47% served in Viet Nam. The Coalition study results show that 45% of homeless veterans suffer from untreated mental illness. There is no excuse for the government ignoring veterans in need of mental health services.

We Need to See It to Believe It

It seems easier to empathize with visible ailments. When patients recover from broken bones or suffer extensive burns, their pain is obvious.  That doesn't mean hidden pain is any less hurtful.  Back in the old days family members advised depressed relatives to Suck it up or Get over it. It's not that easy. It is not a choice.  Much like diabetes or asthma, depression is invisible taking over your body without your permission.

One Patient's Story of Depression
(as told by Deb M)

As a long-time patient of depression, my illness has surfaced in different ways.  I've stayed in the house for weeks at a time spending most of those days in bed staring at the walls or walking around in a lethargic daze with no purpose.  When I already feel worthless with no sense of purpose and feel like I'm completely lost in my own life, wasting more days just makes it all worse.

                                                       Following are some of Deb's dark stories (told in first person)

Depression settles over me like a dark veil; it's so heavy I can't breathe, so dark I can't see through it, and somehow it won't come off- even if I try to peel it away.  It's suffocating me. If I could tear it off I'd feel naked and exposed. I should close my eyes and go to sleep and maybe no one will look.

I can't find anything to cover my body.  Friends walk by laughing and pointing and teasing me carrying their piles of blankets.  I close my eyes and wonder if this is how victims felt when they were locked in the stocks at Salem. They were trapped.  

Humiliation gives in to scorching pain radiating from my white hot desert sand bed.  My dry lips are stuck shut like a broken zipper, my tongue seems too big to fit, and I feel like I am going to choke to death. Then I see the hazy outline of a person standing above me.  I feel relieved thinking about tasting water and no longer burning in the sun.

The voice sounds familiar. Someone I've always trusted. Someone in my life.  Another gruff but jovial voice helps lift my burnt ugly body out of the hotness.  The scorching sun and swirling sand won't let my eyes see who is helping me. Just blurry outlines with voices. 

Wild laughter breaks through my daze.  I feel liquid dribbling on my bleeding lips.  I choke on the vile taste of urine. Then terror takes over. I know it's the same nasty man.

When the rough hands let go of my throbbing wrists I feel like I am falling through air. I close my eyes hoping to disappear or instantly sleep- like the sleep after taking too many sleeping pills. Then when I wake up, no one can hurt me. I'll be safe.
  
When I make my eyes open my body turns into heavy stone. I never ever needed help so much, ever. The hissing noise slithering over my arm makes me squeeze my eyes tight.  I just keep thinking 'this isn’t real'. I squeeze my eyes tighter, trying to make my mind go away.  
When a burning sting breaks through the side of my neck, my eyes squint open as the burning gets hotter like a drill-a screwdriver digging into my scorched neck.  In that second I glimpse several shapes huddled around the top of the pit. A familiar voice asks if I can talk. But, my lips cannot open. My head cannot move.  That's when I know they won't quit. As long as I suffer they won't quit.

 I think the woman's voice says, "Here. This should help you!" I hear more squeals and laughter. Then she tips over a big box, shaking it as its terrified cargo hisses in the air. As each snake splats on top of me, I try to reach up. I try to say, 'Help!'  Then the voices of my fake friends drift further away.  In a second of courage I concentrate on making my legs or arms move.  I want it to be over . . .
That's the short version of a familiar nightmare. That's part of the reason I don't go to sleep.  I am afraid of the stories from the past leaking from my brain.  Versions of the same snake nightmare happened four times. Each time a family member has died the next day.  Sometimes I wonder what kind of demon controls me. Or does the evil live inside me and comes out when I am afraid? Sometimes I can't tell if I'm in the dream or in the world. 

                                                                                     Depression Looks Different for Each Person

The consequences and treatment for depression are not the same for everyone.  And, some victims of depression can hide it well. They are good actors.  It isn't that uncommon to have friends and family unaware of the disease.  Symptoms can be similar. A few are common.

I often start weeping for no apparent reason.  Watching TV, driving or doing laundry, there's no way to predict the onset of a crying jag.  It feels like a little despair, a little emptiness, a little sadness all wrapped up and covered in a sense of doom.  Then when it's over, nothing has changed.  There's no sense of resolution, no relief-just more of existing without a purpose.

Another piece of depression is lack of joy. There is no joy in activities that were once enjoyable.  Camping, boating, ball games, fairs-all kind of 'things' I  liked to do, no longer motivate me enough to leave the house.  Then, the few things remotely enjoyable aren't possible because of money.  My funds don't support travel, concerts, theater, shopping, or a good bottle of wine for that matter.
So, I do soak up a pity party on occasion.  Karma has returned to bite my ass. Not sure why.  But, I worked my whole life to end up with buckets of time.  Time to stare at the ceiling. To go to sleep crying. To wake up in tears.

When I have a minute or two of inspiration, I can start a project but it never gets finished. Even a simple household task, watching a movie or reading a book, I don't allow myself to move out of the chair except to use the bathroom.

I have big problems with concentration and memory.  I make appointments and don't go to them.  Partly because I don't care. Partly because I don't have the energy to change clothes.  I go for days with one or two hours of sleep and then sleep for 24 hours. If I fall asleep for a 'normal' amount of time I have familiar nightmares. The kind where you wake up and think it's real. And scream. During nightmares I often yell and kick and talk and wake up crying and scared.

Getting cleaned up takes too much energy.  Greasy hair or smelling underpants doesn't bother me. I have no shower Sundays that stretch into five days without bathing. It's no big deal.  When I am miserable, I feel like I deserve suffering.  I feel guilt but I'm not sure why. Except I know any problem, illness or difficult time for my children is my fault. I think about 'what ifs' and imagine different endings. 

                                                                                                       Stand Up and Make a Difference

Statistics on depression suggests over 120 million people worldwide suffer from a form of depression. It (the ones we know about) causes over 850,000 deaths a year.  Statistics show more patients need treatment due to this serious disease.  Due to political choices, necessary services for depression and other mental illness are being cut while the numbers of those in need continue to increase.

Cutting away the social safety net by reducing money for basic services has a ripple effect throughout society.  Unfortunately, it often takes an overwhelming tragedy to remind citizens of the desperate need for mental health funds.  When Gabby Gifford was shot by a mentally ill person, people took notice.  Society is shocked when children die at the hands of mentally ill shooters. Without needed treatment, dangerous mentally ill patients end up homeless living on the streets.

Most forms of depression can be treated with therapy, drugs or a combination.  Chronic depression often requires more extensive treatment.  The following statistics from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) show the extent of depression in our society.

• Nearly 10% of the population experiences depression in some form
• Those with chronic depression (major depressive order) is about 3%
• Chronic depression is the leading cause of disability for the 15-44 age group
• Over 15% of people  with depression commit suicide
• Undetected depression among alcohol and drug users is estimated to be 30%
• Restricting mental health services overloads emergency rooms and jails.

There are many ways Americans can advocate for better mental health services.  You can become a member of the National Institute of Mental Health (nimh) to be an advocate. Click here for more information. Write or call your Congressmen requesting funds for basic mental health services. Share info on social media and with personal contacts.
Donate or volunteer to groups helping veterans with mental health disorders.  Share your story and get involved.  Most importantly,  help keep the topic in the spotlight.  Society needs to realize the consequences of mental illness.  It shouldn't require a national tragedy to recognize basic needs of the mentally ill.

Sex Education: 21st Century Kids with Parents Living in the Past

Imagine you are a health and wellness educator.  It's up to your department to choose appropriate resources to teach sex education as part of the curriculum.  After the tedious process of sifting through recommendations and samples, reviewing research and statistics and considering needs of the students, your team selects a textbook.  The district endorses the unanimous choice of the educators, Your Health Today. The school board approves and the book is ordered and distributed to Fremont, California's six high schools. 

Then naive or ignorant or uninformed or extremist or overly-protective parents got involved.  After a few angry parents browsed through the book, you'd think the students, the school and the entire Fremont School District were headed straight to hell. After 2000 signatures, the book was shelved while the school worked with the publisher to change some of the 'controversial' references.  A few of these 'controversies' included: 

·         Anatomically correct drawing of reproductive organs

·         Discussion about unwanted pregnancies

·         Inappropriate topics like sex toys or sharing your sexual history with your partner because How does that relate to my 14-year-old kid?

·         Showing graphic pictures and explaining how to put on a condom is pornography

     Obviously, educators were aware of 

     the information in the book considering it a vital resource to keep kids informed and safe. The superintendent's statement echoed the instructional team's philosophy. Your Health Today  “provides current, accurate, factual and relevant information our students need to make responsible decisions about their health.”  

If accurate sex education gets the 'controversial' stamp in California, imagine the reaction of parents in the Bible Belt.  Hence, the conundrum: to serve the needs of students while satisfying unrealistic demands from parents.  Someone is out of touch with the real lives of 14-year-olds. Let's just say it is not the educators.

Why does teaching comprehensive sex education to sexually active students cause such a bru-ha-ha in the United States? For the same reasons it was controversial in the 1980's, the 1900's, the 2000's and any time the topic arises. It's all about our messed up perceptions of the human body and its natural functions.

   

 Your Body Is Not a Wonderland - It's Evil

In American society we seemed to inherit parts of the Puritan code regarding sex. We've learned to be ashamed of naked bodies, embarrassed about the natural process of the body parts-like breast feeding in public, associate being bad/naughty/evil with masturbation or any sex act not needed for reproduction. Instead of being comfortable with natural human urges, we are expected to suppress them.

In case you need an example supporting this anal attitude in American society, think Janet Jackson.   The Janet Jackson Superbowl wardrobe malfunction fiasco - (when [gasp] part of one breast flashed the crowd) was not a proud moment in our history. Unlike real news like house fires killing kids or the discovery of an antidote for influenza, a couple inches of exposed skin made all the headlines for weeks. Reporters, viewers, and large numbers of wanna-be drama queens discussed ways to save America's children from a lifetime of nightmares and how to erase such an ugly chapter in our country's history. They speculated on conspiracy theories trying to make sense of the heinous act. 

To summarize: Unlike more progressive countries where people think nakedness is natural-that humans were not born clothed, an incident like the breast exposure fiasco would probably go unnoticed.  Or, it'd be like, "Hey Sven, did you see her perky breastie?" Then Sven (rolling his eyes) responds with, "Are you in kindergarten, dumbass? It's just another titty." Or something like that.

                                                                 Parents Just Want the Sex Talk Thing to Go Away

Many parents say sex education belongs at home. Great.  The problem?  Many prefer not to discuss such a sensitive topic with their kids. Others are too uncomfortable to bring up little details like how it's possible to get pregnant or get a nasty infection w/o penetration and many other enlightening scenarios.  Instead of sharing accurate information about sex in an ongoing conversation, some parents just want to get it over with, have 'The Talk" in 20 minutes or less and be done with it. Then there are always those parents who don't know that much about sexual health, proper sexual etiquette, the existence of oral sex and such.  

Then there are the old-school parents who go with the excuse, Kids learn all that stuff from other kids. That's the way it's always been. That's how I learned about sex and I turned out okay.  Sure.  In other words let's keep doing what we've been doing just because we've been doing it.  In any case, sexual health is more effective when taught by an objective person more in touch with teen sexual activity.

                                                 Just Close Your Eyes and Look the Other Way, AKA Denial

Sure, your kid has never experienced a natural body reaction when surrounded by hotties.  Yup, you're right. It's the neighbor's kid across the street or kids with no parents at home, or kids who do not go to church.  They turn into bad girls and bad boys. THOSE are the kids who have sex. Your princess would never think of such inappropriate acts. She goes to church every Sunday.  And, yes, we're so proud of junior. He is waiting for marriage (Junior makes crude gestures snickering in background). Oh, my. Freshmen in high school are too young to learn about sex. That will expose them to inappropriate material for their age. Or not.
  

That's part of the problem; many kids don't get accurate information about sex until after they're sexually active.  In reality, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention says sex education should start with 10 year olds.  In order to prevent unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, children need to learn facts about sexual health before they become sexually active.

Sex Education Causes the Moral Decay of Our Youth

Several organizations including The Society for Adolescent Medicine cite studies showing comprehensive sex education programs do not cause an increase in sexual activity. Sex education does not lower the age of first sex and does not increase the frequency of sex.  On the other hand, research proves the abstinence only programs funded by the US government do not work.   Columbia University research proved 'virginity pledges' and other programs convincing students to wait until marriage did not work. While many students waited longer to have first sex, 88% of the abstinence-only students initiated sex prior to marriage. 

While the US government spent over a billion dollars funding abstinence only programs proven to be ineffective, the government has spent zero dollars on funding comprehensive sexual education programs proven to be effective.  Due to accurate information about contraceptives and safety, the comprehensive programs were successful at reducing teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.

Tell the Truth and Nothing but the Truth

One of the most troubling statistics on federally funded abstinence only programs is the distribution of inaccurate and misleading information about reproductive health.  Those resources, proven to be ineffective and misleading, were also dangerous. The material prepared by the US Department of Health and Human Services contained false information about the effectiveness of contraceptives, the risks of abortions, stereotyping gender roles, and claimed religious beliefs as scientific facts.

Twenty First Century Kids with Parents Living in the Past

Many parents still believe abstinence only programs work. Research continually proves them wrong.  The parents who refuse to accept scientific facts are harming children in the long run.  By keeping accurate sexual health information from students, parents are exposing their children to unsafe practices often leading to unwanted pregnancy.
Not much has changed in attitudes toward teaching sex education.  Many parents realize a high percentage of secondary students are sexually active. They promote providing accurate information about reproduction, birth control and other areas of sexual health with the intention of keeping children safe.  Parents who refuse to accept facts and choose to rely on ineffective programs like abstinence only, are setting kids up for serious problems.

As long as so many people insist on using religious beliefs as scientific facts, too many sexually active kids won't have access to accurate information about contraceptives, safe sex and other aspects of comprehensive sex education.  It seems strange that those putting kids in danger by hiding behind the morality excuse are the same parents responsible for their well being.
 

C'mon folks. It doesn't require a college degree to resolve the supposed controversy of teaching sex education in schools. It simply takes common sense. It's a choice between doing what's best for students or appeasing out-of-touch parents. 
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*UPDATE On August 14 the Fremont School Board voted 3-2 to return the new sex education books to the publisher. They opted to continue using the 10-year-old books filled with misinformation. So much for doing what's best for kids.

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Ten Myths about Sex and Pregnancy  (according to Web MD)

• If you have sex while standing, you can't get pregnant. Wrong. Stand up, lay down, run, sleep-whatever. It has absolutely no impact on sperm hooking up with an egg.
• If it's your first time, you can't get pregnant. Wrong again. It can be the hundredth time or the first time you have sex. It is still all about eggs/sperm.
• If you do jumping jacks right after sex, you can't get pregnant. Ummm. No. Jumping up and down or other exercise doesn't have a thing to do with the sperm/egg courtship.
• If you are having your period or you are in the water, you can't get pregnant. Again, not true. It might be messier but that's not gonna stop the swimmers.
• If you douche with Coke right away after sex, you won't get pregnant. Wrong. When the egg and sperm join they haven't traveled to the vagina you are douching.
• As long as the female doesn't have an orgasm, pregnancy won't happen. No, no, no! Multiple orgasms or no climax at all might be a factor in your relationship. But, after conception the fertilized  forms a zygot-a 100-150 cells that differentiate after two weeks to become an embryo.
• If a male does not ejaculate inside the vagina, there's no chance of pregnancy. Very, very wrong. Fluids are discharged before the penis is even inserted  Prior to the big moment more fluids leak out, semen can be in this fluid.  If you are physically touching sexual organs, sperm and eggs can sneak into a fertile place. So, if a guy 'pulls out' prior to ejaculation, your baby makers do not care.
•  Many other myths exist. Instead of believing another inexperienced person, ask an adult (counselor, nurse, guidance, teacher, nurse, doctor). Don't be embarrassed. Ask for more information as needed. Do some research and use common sense. 

Hypocrites go to hell in a handbag - filled w plenty o' $$$$, of course

Hypocrites, greed and wanna-be Christians,  

Pre-preface

Inspired by Indiana's GOP candidate for representative, John Johnson, who said those living in poverty should 'wither and die', I've come up with ideas on how to resolve the  problem with 'Moochers' taking government handouts.

My idea should quiet critics who think abruptly telling a poor person to starve or freeze to death is a little too callous. This plan gives them a purpose. Hopefully, Mr. Johnson will not get sued by Newt Gingrich who originally came up with allowing Medicare, Social Security and the likes to 'wither and die'.

Maybe he got permission from Newt-although I heard Newt was not available (either honeymooning with wife # 12 or speaking at that American Values conference)+ Johnson added, "No one who wants votes is willing to call a spade a spade."... 

"I saw the opportunity to say something. I think a lot of the poor have no way out, and there's no motivation to improve your position."  True statements.

Comedy Central public domain photo.

Preface to the preface
While some far left liberal protestant ministers (or Popes) professed the actions of Johnson and other wanna-be Christians  to be anti-Christian, they were wrong. In the new up-dated version of CC Bible, rewritten by highly qualified expert wanna-be Christians  and verified by Fox News, the archaic advice of Jesus is adapted to fit the new Gospel of the wanna-be Christian Conservative Portfolio (CCP).


Buy it today at a bargain price and you can be part of the American Dream! - A white wealthy male w several indentured servant submissive Evangelical Fundamentalist wives; male partners (conveniently disguised as chefs and hair stylists); own as many guns as you need to stand your ground, keep poor people and minorities out of your sight, AND you can own a part of the Zoo.

Plus, we'll throw in the popular digital book,  How to Reach Heaven by Hoarding More Dollars by one of those televangelists. Was it Oldsteam or Oyster? Can't remember. Pretty sure he wrote the prequel, How to Make Sure Your Kid Does Not Turn Gay, (with a chapter on the tradition of death by stoning). 

If you haven't received your new Gospel yet, simply make these minor changes in the Bible:

• in the book of Matthew change that camel thing by crossing out 'rich' and changing it to 'poor' 
• Same book, change, "No one can serve two masters. You cannot serve God and money," to  "You will serve your master. You cannot eat if you do not serve your Master and his money".

On second thought just wait for your new Gospel to be delivered by a former entitlement taker. In any case, on your way out, everyone should genuflect before the mural of Mike Pence, Paul Ryan, and Cartman. Never forget John and Newt's famous let the poor 'wither and die' speech, Cartman's infamous words, "Screw the poor," and Paul Ryan's piece of work

designing our economic plan  to make the 'wither and die' campaign a big success.  Our Human Zoo exhibit is no longer just a dream! Check it out!  
When you enter, slide $100 in the slot by Cartman's ear for a chance to own an animal in the Petting Zoo.
                                  **************************************

Helping "Christian" Conservatives Eliminate Entitlements from Moochers

Gather around royal boys and girls - after you place your $500 class fee on my desk. Before your first visit to the ruins of our Human Zoo Amusement Park, I will tell you the story of  how our people- less than five percent of the entire population, saved the entire economy, lowered the debt, and resolved the Moocher entitlement issue all in two hours and 14 minutes. I'll describe what visitors could see and do before the creatures withered and died. 

On a summer day way back in the year 2014 before we destroyed the evil democracy,  exiled that Black man from Kenya, and denied global warming- back when Hispanics, Blacks, Chinese, the poor, the old people, the disabled and such were allowed to roam free draining our resources by mooching food, insisting they were entitled to heat, medicine, free water, and free air.

On that historical day our heroes planted the diamond-encrusted seeds of our version of evolution-along with several ground traps to catch small humans. Right there on The Hill our official fact checkers,  The Crotch Brothers, signed big checks. Rupert Murdock got drunk, then  it was official. The new gospel of the CCP became the new law. All hail the rich and powerful.

At first some of the small humans didn't like training. They

plotted to steal our food until Bill O'Reilly used his loud

Papa grizzly bear voice to tell them pride and dignity was

more important and lasted longer than food.

The first phase of The Plan was not perfect.  First we attempted to enforce the campaign 'Get a Job or Wither and Die' law passed by the Billionaire's Club during an afternoon orgy. We flew in special guests like Putin, Arnold, and Chuck to boot the lazy mental and physically disabled Moochers straight out of their fancy wheelchairs and into McDonalds to flip burgers and wash dishes.

A funny clown and his sidekick from Texas,  Carnival Cruz and Scary Hairy Perry, impersonated the voices of Goofy and Scooby  to lure all the two and three year olds into a warehouse where they were trained to sweep and mop floors.

At first the small humans did not understand. But, Carnival's smartness kicked in-"Yes, Pavlov's theory!' Then Sarah Palin showed up to soothe the little ones by singing one of her songs from her nursery rhyme collection, "You betcha, Virginia, There's No Entitlements," and the well known country tune, "I've Got Guns in Strange Places" as she winked and crossed her hands over her tweeter.
  

They all chuckled over their Shirley Temples until Arnold said, "Ya, the small ones, they be good sweepers if they hungry enough. Ya? Then they had an lol moment. By the time their party ended, Arnold figured out a better way to organize workers.
"Ya, hey you ever vatch the movie about the Hungry Games?"

The rest is history.

On her 2nd birthday, Stacy got to feed the animals in petting zoo.

These two girls were glad to get an
outside job on the construction crew.

He and others experienced in mind control like Rupert Murdock, any TV evangelist with at least $40 in the bank, and one talented snake charmer did a good job indoctrinating the poor and disabled. The children were the most excited. 
One of our most popular attractions, the Petting Zoo, was filled with wild little ones who were not trained  yet.  When visitors purchased a $20 handful of food from the machine, the little pets got fed. So fun to watch. Sometimes a visitor would toss the food up in the air-watch out! So many little pets pushing, shoving, kicking, and biting just trying to taste one of the morsels.

In addition to the top-notch entertainment, the petting zoo was educational.  Instead of malarky like evolution, the Human Zoo demonstrated one of the few true scientific theories- survival of the fittest. As expected, the shy or sick pets were the first to wither and die. But, after all, that was the goal of the games.

We had to get rid of all those entitlements.

                                                                       

This is that special moment when small ones finally figure
out training and get a food reward. These two ended up
as the best barbers and stylists in the Zoo.
The smallest one ended up doing artwork for many
billionaires. It was even allowed out of its pen to work on
special commissions AND it got food every day.  Of course,
it was a white human so it was acceptable.

   

Named Poopy and Droopy, these twins often
worked two or three days without sleeping.
Even though they weren't white, they got extra
treats when they humored the Richie Riches.
They raced in for the fabulous new hair style
the boys are sporting in the picture.

Some rich folks just loved to come to the Human Zoo to see the all the different types. A fat blubbery guy named Rush liked to throw a piece of meat into a pen. Those creatures got so vicious you'd think he'd thrown in a piece of gold or his autograph
.
This guy's head was big-huge, like a Fathead. Just an observation. Anyway, one day when he taunted the same human four times by pretending to throw the meat, he laughed so hard he
almost choked. That's when he got careless, forgetting the rules about not putting any digits or limbs over the fence.

When he showed his piece of meat the fifth time, he dangled it close to the human's mouth. That's when it happened. Not only did the human grab Rush's meat with his teeth (ouch, that had to hurt),  it managed to take his whole hand in his mouth and kept sucking his fingers.

After that,  instead of having the human punished, Rush checked it out of the zoo to paint a house for him.  But, people say he never took the human back to the zoo.  He kept him as a personal servant.

Of course, that is before the new therapy law passed to make gay people straight.  Oh, wait. Wasn't that guy married?  Oh, well. His wife was probably glad to have the help.

His friend Glenn frequented that same pen at the zoo after that. He was kinda a bully, though.  You'd think he'd get bored with teasing, poking, and mimicking the humans on a regular basis but he was so thrilled entitlements were gone, he loved to celebrate. I guess he got  pleasure from poking them-at least, that's what they say about him downtown. He loved to poke.

 Yes, but my pride and dignity is solid. 

Anyway, as you know, this story has a disappointing ending. The Human Zoo and all life in the outer regions withered and died. The Richies forgot to save the best stock to breed more humans.

So, one of their most important achievements -  their wish for the poor and disabled to wither and die, worked. They withered and died. Finally, the  high fallutin' upper crust was rid of entitlements.

After visiting with big name celebrities like Hulk Hogan, Paula Abdul, Russell Simmons, Jeff Foxworthy, and Kermit the Frog,  the new Richie Rulers made big plans to expand as shown on the map below. They planned fun trips like a dinner train linked from region to region to watch humans in their original habitat.

Sadly, it didn't happen before campaign wither and die withered and died. But, no worries. All money invested was returned.

Fascinating stuff.

Good times.

The stuff in Paul Ryan's dreams.

Que sara, sara. 

Thanks. Obama.

All rights reserved 2014. Complementary photos from
dreamers, royaltyfreeimages.net.

Bringin' back a classic

Adventures with PJ

My solo travels have taken me to 

Lexington, KY, Las Vegas, San 

Antonio, TX, Atlanta, Minneapolis,

and many other lovely places.

Sometimes you gotta admit defeat. That time hasn’t come for this old lady! I will not give up my car keys without a fight . . . or a binding court document.

Summer proved to be a series of perilous adventures as I set out to prove my competency to travel independently. ('Mom, maybe you shouldn’t drive so far by yourself.  Or Mom, maybe it’s not safe to be on your own in a big city. Or You are getting pretty old to go there by yourself'). Thanks for the support guys.

After all, I am a good driver. In my driveway. As long as I don’t have to back up very far.

Plus, I have a cane and I know how to use it . . . as a weapon (well, I've heard about it).

Somehow my presence often turns simple tasks into high drama and/or minor ‘accidents’.

Like the case of walking from the car to house,
aka as example # 1: Free Falling

• Opened front door, musta forgot to step up, fell forward face down on hardwood floor, managed to crawl to base of stairway, tried to pull self up. Many times, (all while giggling uncontrollably), attempting—without success, not to urinate. Remember daughter trying to help asking, 'Mom, are you okay?'
• The more I laughed the more puzzled/frustrated/concerned/impatient she became. Then the scolding. 'Mom, you need to pay more attention. Someday you’re going to get hurt and no one will be around to help you and you won't think it's so funny!' Really? Well, guess what people? I didn’t ask for help. I can find clean unders all by myself.
• *No one was actually hurt during this event unless you count family’s embarrassment at the site of wet spots on floor. But hey, clothing and rugs can be laundered.

I can’t help it if I find soiling oneself to be funny. It’s right up there with watching people fall on the ice . . . or my son with ankle in cast slipping and falling at grocery store when crutch hit wet spot. Too funny. I still giggle just thinking of it . . .

Crutch flies into the fresh vegetables section, worker dashes over to help, son curses under his breath managing a, 'No problem, I’m okay, thanks for your help' to the employee as he stands up, takes back crutch and hops right by me as he shoots me a dirty look to get a cart.

How rude. He coulda waited for me to compose myself. That kind of belly laugh with tears streaming down face takes a minute of recovery time.

Or the biking incident known as example #2: No Brakes and Breaking Bones

• I recall that lazy Sunday afternoon in August . . . Hauling out our new bikes, practicing in the alley before heading to the street, turning the corner and down a hill, gaining speed, gaining more speed, going way too fast, trying to apply brakes on pedal, hearing husband shout, 'the brakes are on handlebars, PJ use the brakes, use the brakes' . . . For some reason I didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t. I just remember heading for the cement curb and hoping for the best as I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want to see what was gonna happen. That was before the dreaded trip to emergency room when I sounded kinda like a newly weened puppy whimpering and howling all the way there.
• 

  After the event of flying over the handlebars, splatting on the sidewalk, bumping my head, looking up to see husband reaching down while laughing . . . my usual calm sensitive self unraveled just a bit.
• Maybe it was my thoughtful daughter-in-law’s comment upon hearing the news, 'OMG I wish we had it on tape. You flew over handlebars? We coulda won $10,000!' Or other supportive remarks like, 'Now I know what to get you for Christmas—training wheels! or What were YOU doing trying to ride a bike? or Way to make a fool of yourself in front of new neighbors!' or seeing my daughter shake her head while commenting, 'I’d tell you to stick to your stationary exercise bike but you’ll probably figure out a way to tip that over.' Thanks for the props everyone.
• Or just maybe my pitiful tears related to a broken collarbone! I can’t always deliver spectacular stunts without a few injuries/broken bones.
• After a week in a sling (dr: 'These things usually heal on their own, take these pills and you’ll be fine'), teasing from fam ('C’mon suck it up, Geez I didn’t know you were such a baby, or There’s no crying in bicycle riding') I gimped back to the clinic. Hmmm. Still broken apart.
• Next I went under the knife, with insertion of platinum screw in shoulder, then sent from recovery to room for overnight hospital stay. I sorta recall the nurse saying, . . .'expect some pain, lots of poking and prodding, hard to get bone back together again.' First, I giggled thinking of Humpty Dumpty. Then I remember staring at the long hand, waiting for it to get to the 12 so I could press my trusty morphine pump. Next came sleeping and itching, and itching some more. Yet, all of it paled compared to the REAL drama about to unfold that fateful night.
• I opened my eyes in time to get flashed by new roommate’s tattoed butt as the nurse helped her stumble into bathroom. Next, I overheard loud phone conversation with boyfriend ('I’m so strung out, you need to get tested, they put a tube in there, my vagina . . . dripping'). Lovely. Besides discovering roomie/homeless/stripper/delinquent teenager possessed nasty STD AND my pain meds she discovered on my tray, the blaring sounds of Saturday morning cartoons jolted me awake at 5AM. That was it. Time for confrontation!
• ME: 'Could you please turn down the TV? I just had surgery and I am trying to sleep'.
• ROOMIE: Nothing. Then TV got louder.
• ME: thinking to self  'I should pull back curtain and kick her ass', I repeated: 'Hi there, excuse me. Don’t you think the TV is a little loud'?
• ROOMIE: (my stinging words caused action as she flung back curtain) 'Hey stupid old hag. If I thought it was too loud I woulda turned it down! Duh'. Curtain closed again.
• Okay then . . . well, the big hand on the clock went past the 12. Squeeze.
• 

  I probably scared her away cuz when I woke up the bed was empty. The nurse entered room.
• ME: 'So, is it safe to use the same toilet seat considering roomie has STD'?
• NURSE: 'I can’t share confidential information about another patient’s diagnosis'.
• ME: 'Um. Well, did you know she asked me if I would give her my script for pain pills'?
• NURSE: Sits on edge of bed like we’re old buds, leans over. 'Doesn’t surprise me. She’s been in here before. No insurance. No money. Problems with drugs and alcohol. Works across the river as a stripper, probably a hooker. Long, long list of partners'.
• Great. So much for confidential info vs. the urge to gossip.

Anyway, sure I’ve experienced a few setbacks. Most people are not perfect. All of us slow down a bit as we age. Okay, maybe not as slow as hitting the ball all the way to the left field fence and still getting thrown out at first slow but then I was never known for my speed on the bases.

Sure, a few embarrassing moments happened to me. Maybe every teacher doesn’t leave the restroom with her skirt tucked in to the back of her panty hose revealing a bulgy backside to the world (twice at two different schools) but it does happen.

Maybe every single mom doesn’t empty contents of large purse at checkout in search of checkbook to discover a dirty fork stabbed into a half-eaten moldy dill pickle.

Maybe every mother doesn’t have the ninja thinking skills to implement a quick kick to the object when her two-year-old’s hard ball of warm poop drops to the cold tiled floor in the center aisle of the packed clinic. But, it pretty much worked. Rolled under a chair.

I planned to rescue the lonely poo to flush it after we saw the doctor only to find it missing. Hey, that was back in the day of droopy cloth diapers way before the fancy disposables.

Everybody poops. Ask Forest Gump. It happens.

As usual, I ramble. Back to the summer of two aught aught and eleven. But now it is three in the morning. Must close eyes and tell those tales another time.